Do you let your roles define yourself?

Years ago I was involved in a sales training program where one of the sections was titled, “What you ‘R’ is not who you ‘I’.”

It was a quirky title and it’s stuck with me over the years not because it’s just quirky, but because it’s a memorable way of remembering a powerful concept.

What is means is this; do you let yourself be defined by the roles you have in life, or do you define your roles by how you see yourself conceptually?

A role is simply a part you play. Most people have many roles, and in our culture when meeting new people often the first question they’ll ask after introductions is, “So…what do you do?” We tend to subconsciously group people according to their roles.

If I asked you to define yourself, how would you start? If you’re like most people you do it by listing out your roles:

• I’m a son
• I’m a technology worker
• I’m a husband
• I’m a friend
• I’m a photographer
• I’m a student
• I’m an avid reader
• I’m a writer
• etc., etc., etc.

There are an endless number of roles you could list if you had the time. But should these roles and your performance in them define you and how you feel about yourself? No!

Why? Because no matter how hard you work to improve yourself there will always be someone else out there in a role who is just a little better at it than you are. You won’t be the world’s most perfect son, you won’t be the world’s most perfect husband, you won’t be the best programmer; you may hold on to such a title at some point in your life - like a Michael Jordan or a Tiger Woods - but eventually someone will come along who is better.

And if you define yourself and your identity by the roles you fill you’ll eventually get to a point where a bad day in a role will result in you having a bad day.

So why should we try to separate ourselves from our roles, and a bigger question you might be asking is, “What the heck is left if not for my roles?”

What’s left is you. And just like every other person (sans-roles) your “you” is perfect, it’s always operating at a “10″ and it is the framework from which you hang your roles.

Because I’m not the world’s best technology worker, there will be days where I perform really badly in that role. I shouldn’t come home and let poor performance in my role as a “technology worker” cause poor performance in my role as a husband. Invariably though this is what happens; a bad day at the office is brought home and turns into a bad night at home. When this happens, we’re letting ourselves be defined by our roles.

The goal then should be to not let our view of our self be scripted by our performance in our roles. Just as professional athletes have bad games, they shake them off and keep working on having a great game - we should strive for the same!

This is a tough concept to understand and to accept. What are we if not our roles?

We need to create a clear concept of who we are, without the “R” - as an individual. I think of myself as an individual who constantly seeks to improve myself, to learn and continue to expand my knowledge. I seek to develop new skills that can benefit me in all aspects of my life and in all of my roles. I am constantly seeking passion in my life, in whatever form it comes to me.

I still have bad days as a technology worker. I still am not the most sensitive husband or the most thoughtful son. I still have arguments with friends. But at the end of the day I try to remember that these are just my roles and not “me”.

I would like to challenge you to work on separating your roles from your identity and remember that your “I” should always be at a 10 even if your “R” is in the basement.

I’ll leave you with a closing line from my sales training days; “You can perform in your roles (R) only in a manner that is consistent with how you see yourself conceptually (I).”

If you’re not at a “10″ conceptually, you’ll never perform at a “10″ in the roles you assume!

* * * * * If you enjoyed this article, will you please consider bookmarking it on del.icio.us?

Here are some related articles you might also enjoy!

• What’s your dharma?
• SuccessMinders Interview: Azher M. Khan
• Raising the bar on your goals.
• Don’t plan yourself to death.
• Are you a P.A.W. or a U.A.W.?

December 21st, 2005

Entry Filed under: Inspiration, Improvement, Purpose