Years ago I was involved in a sales training program where one of the sections was titled, “What you ‘R’ is not who you ‘I’.”
It was a quirky title and it’s stuck with me over the years not because it’s just quirky, but because it’s a memorable way of remembering a powerful concept.
What is means is this; do you let yourself be defined by the roles you have in life, or do you define your roles by how you see yourself conceptually?
A role is simply a part you play. Most people have many roles, and in our culture when meeting new people often the first question they’ll ask after introductions is, “So…what do you do?” We tend to subconsciously group people according to their roles.
If I asked you to define yourself, how would you start? If you’re like most people you do it by listing out your roles:
- I’m a son
- I’m a technology worker
- I’m a husband
- I’m a friend
- I’m a photographer
- I’m a student
- I’m an avid reader
- I’m a writer
- etc., etc., etc.
There are an endless number of roles you could list if you had the time. But should these roles and your performance in them define you and how you feel about yourself? No!
Why? Because no matter how hard you work to improve yourself there will always be someone else out there in a role who is just a little better at it than you are. You won’t be the world’s most perfect son, you won’t be the world’s most perfect husband, you won’t be the best programmer; you may hold on to such a title at some point in your life - like a Michael Jordan or a Tiger Woods - but eventually someone will come along who is better.
And if you define yourself and your identity by the roles you fill you’ll eventually get to a point where a bad day in a role will result in you having a bad day.
So why should we try to separate ourselves from our roles, and a bigger question you might be asking is, “What the heck is left if not for my roles?”
What’s left is you. And just like every other person (sans-roles) your “you” is perfect, it’s always operating at a “10″ and it is the framework from which you hang your roles.
Because I’m not the world’s best technology worker, there will be days where I perform really badly in that role. I shouldn’t come home and let poor performance in my role as a “technology worker” cause poor performance in my role as a husband. Invariably though this is what happens; a bad day at the office is brought home and turns into a bad night at home. When this happens, we’re letting ourselves be defined by our roles.
The goal then should be to not let our view of our self be scripted by our performance in our roles. Just as professional athletes have bad games, they shake them off and keep working on having a great game - we should strive for the same!
This is a tough concept to understand and to accept. What are we if not our roles?
We need to create a clear concept of who we are, without the “R” - as an individual. I think of myself as an individual who constantly seeks to improve myself, to learn and continue to expand my knowledge. I seek to develop new skills that can benefit me in all aspects of my life and in all of my roles. I am constantly seeking passion in my life, in whatever form it comes to me.
I still have bad days as a technology worker. I still am not the most sensitive husband or the most thoughtful son. I still have arguments with friends. But at the end of the day I try to remember that these are just my roles and not “me”.
I would like to challenge you to work on separating your roles from your identity and remember that your “I” should always be at a 10 even if your “R” is in the basement.
I’ll leave you with a closing line from my sales training days; “You can perform in your roles (R) only in a manner that is consistent with how you see yourself conceptually (I).”
If you’re not at a “10″ conceptually, you’ll never perform at a “10″ in the roles you assume!
December 21st, 2005
I’ve been keeping a journal for over 9 years. I don’t know what prompted me to start writing, but one day I decided it would be a good idea. At the time I had an old, beat-up laptop with a copy of MS Works for DOS and I kept my journal in a text file.
Over the years I’ve tried various journaling techniques, I’ve used software specifically for keeping a diary or journal, I’ve used pen and paper, I’ve used MS Word and formatted my journal more like a book, complete with index and cross-references.
But the bottom line is this; no matter what the technology, I’ve keep a written record of my life for the last 9 years.
I didn’t know at the time what my intention was - it wasn’t to be able to look back and chart my growth (a benefit I stumbled on later) - but it felt like something I should be doing. In hind-sight I’m so glad I started.
How about you? Do you keep a journal of your life? If you don’t, it’s something you should seriously consider starting.
What is the purpose of keeping a journal? I find that when I write I’m not consciously thinking about the future, I’m usually just recapturing major events and changes in my life. It just so happens that in doing this I usually get a pretty good snapshot of my mood, my attitude, and the major “pain” areas of my life.
As I grow and change, I find that my “pain” areas change. As I improve my attitude or my outlook changes, I find it impacts my writing too. Nine years ago many of my journal entries were about what I thought I was going to do in life. Seven years ago many were focused on money (or my lack thereof). Five years ago entries covered some rough business situations and relationships I was in. Three years ago I wrote about how my life had changed since getting married. Now I find I write a lot about my future and goal setting.
I can look back through my journals and get a sense of where I was and what my major life-obstacles were at almost any point in the last 9 years.
You also can’t manage what you don’t measure. By writing about the issues (both positive and negative) as well as tracking my successes (or failures) in achieving goals and keeping commitments I am constantly measuring myself. This means I can manage my success, development and personal improvement much more easily than if I didn’t journal - and the same holds true for you too.
I also find that I write more often when things are really tough for me and life is throwing fastballs. I am not a daily writer, but I may write two or three times a week when I’m especially frustrated about some aspect of my life. It’s therapeutic to get my thoughts and frustrations out on paper.
Once I can see them written out, they don’t seem quite so overwhelming. Once I’ve emptied out my head and put everything in writing I find my brain seems to churn out ideas and solutions more readily than when it’s carrying all thoughts and ideas that I’ve written. I’ve recently read about this in “Getting Things Done” and “Ready for Anything”, David Allen attributes this fountain of ideas to having an empty brain. Once you empty it out, your brain will start to generate new ideas to fill itself back up. This is definitely true for me, and I use this to my advantage by journaling and getting as much out of my head as possible.
The only journaling issue I constantly struggle with is this; what is the best way for me to journal? I started with a plain ‘ol text file in a computer. I used paper journals for a long time (my favorite is the “Anything Book” and a nice fountain pen), and lately I’ve been using MS Word to collect, index and reference my thoughts. I like the allure of pen-and-paper, and you don’t need to worry about hard-drive crashes, but keeping a journal digitally is just so convenient! I’ll leave the best method of keeping a journal as an exercise to you.
Starting a journal is extremely easy too; grab some paper and write about your day. I’m not formal, I don’t start entries with “Dear diary…” I write as if I was sending a letter to someone - in this case myself - because that’s ultimately what I’m doing. I’m sending a letter to myself in the future. I put the date of the top of a blank page and then just start getting thoughts out of my head. Spelling and grammar is optional, unless you want to preserve your writings for your children or grandchildren.
And that’s another benefit of keeping a journal, passing some intimate history down through the family. My sister has our grandmother’s journal from when she was a young lady. It creates a special connection and provides a real-life window into the history of our family.
If you currently keep a journal, congratulations! You’re ahead of a lot of people in your pursuit of personal development and improvement. If you’re not yet journaling on a regular basis I would like to encourage you to give it a try. Promise yourself you’ll write weekly for two months, set some goal for keeping a journal and give it a try. Remember, you can’t manage what you don’t measure; start measuring yourself so you can maximize your ability to successfully complete your goals and continually improve and develop yourself.
December 19th, 2005
